Inspirational Letter | A Letter to My Child | LGBTQ – A Note to My Kid

A Note to J. from Mom

Dear J,

I love you. Always have, always will. So does your Addy.

It’s almost a year ago now that we sat down with you and told you that your Daddy has felt, since s/he was younger than you are now, that s/he is a girl. I will always remember that day. You cried, and the first thing you said was “I’ll never have a normal family again.”

Now, my personal opinion is that normalcy is overrated. But I didn’t think that was the best thing to point out to a ten-year-old. So I just sat there, rubbing your back as you cried.

Still, I think that in years to come, your tears that day will not be what I remember most. What I will remember will be how well you bounced back.

I thought it would be tough for you. And I was right. Your brother is in first grade – young enough so that for him, the news that Daddy wants to be a girl does not appear to be substantially stranger than the fact that grownups think soap is useful, or that his friend Noah’s dog gets to eat people food. 

You, on the other hand, are in middle school, and that’s not a period of life a lot of people enjoy to begin with. I have grieved for the hard fact that you have had a big fat giant extra layer of complications added to your life, and had it added in these years. But I have also witnessed the truth of a much-used platitude: kids are resilient.

We told you a week before Father’s Day. Myself, I had heard a little before Christmas the year before that your father, whom I had never seen without a beard at the time, felt like a woman deep down inside. Your Addy and I had put up quite the front through the holidays, and beyond, trying to spare you eternal issues with Christmas, and to work out the future. But it had come to be time to tell. And I figured if you were going to have issues with a holiday, well, you were going to have issues with Father’s Day anyway.

One of the things we told you was that this news was not a secret, but not everyone would be ok with it. We thought you would need time to chew on it before you talked to your friends. But the very next day, you went and told your friend C. And then, you and C asked whether he could spend the night on Saturday – so that you could make a nice pancake breakfast for Daddy’s last Father’s Day.

J, I love you for one reason and one reason only: you are my son. If you were my son who could not get over the fact that his Daddy wants to be a girl, as we told you that day (or needs to live as a woman, as we say to adults when we tell them) I would love you still. It would not change the fact that I believe your Addy is doing the right thing; those two things would coexist in my life, two truths that would not meet.

But I am also proud of you. I am proud of you for so many reasons, too many to name by far. But when I think about why I am proud of you, one thing I think about is those Father’s Day pancakes. 

What we have told you and your brother is that I am not gay, and so your Addy and I are no longer a couple. But the four of us are still a family and always will be. It is the end of March and I have started to wonder what our famliy will do for Father’s Day, and then Mother's Day, this year. Knowing you, together we will come up with something that is honest and generous all at once.

A Note to Anthony from Mom (Myrtle Beach, South Carolina)

 

Dearest Anthony,

 

I read about parents and family members who are " disappointed" or "sad" or even "angry" that their child is gay. For me, it would be as if I shunned you for having blue eyes. It is who you were born to be, a gift from God, no matter what the bible bangers say. There is no God that would punish a man created in His likeness for being who He created him to be.

 

But enough of that.

 

This is about you, my son. How you conduct your life, your love, your family, your connections. It is about your integrity, the committment you have to Scott, who came wide eyed into this crazy Italian family. Whom you schlepped from one corner of the earth to the other, rain, snow, sleet, freezing rain and blazing sun. Who has come to be a part of the world for us. It is about your friends, your home, your laughter. How you affect every single person you ever meet..you are a stranger to no one. Your little niece Elizabeth, who adores you and her Uncle Scott, tells me all the time, how much she loves you, cause you watch movies and read to her and bring her pillow pets. I watch you with her and cannot wait till a time when you have a family. You will be simply amazing, both you and Scott, as parents. Damn the naysayers. They can remain clueless and out of your way.

 

I am so proud of you as my son. I long for a day I or any other parent has to take a stand on a website to proclaim our pride. The fact that you are gay is one part of who you are. For the love of God I don't understand the thinking behind the judgement and the hate of some. I can only hope that at some point all of those people can have someone in their lives like you and Scott to put the madness to rest, to understand that you are who you are by God's very design.

 

You are a joy to me, Son. You always were, and always will be. I just want you to know how very much I love seeing you live your life with love, and joy, and fun and sharing. So many people long for those things. I am so happy that you have them.

 

I love you.

- Mom

 

A Note from Holly to Her Parents

Its been a long time since I have written.  I feel like I can truly express myself when I'm writing instead of speaking, which is why I haven't written.  Its a very public and exposing thing to write your thoughts and feeling for others to read, criticize, judge, maybe sympathize.  Its almost been a year since I "came out".  I can't describe what it is like.  I had been living a lie for years.  Always lying about where I was, who I was with, going on pretend dates.  Torturous thoughts race through your mind leaving you in a dark place.  Never knowing who you really are and living in a constant state of fear that you will be found out.  You start distancing yourself from the people in your life who will disapprove, in my case, my family.  In my mind a strained, distant relationship was better than no relationship at all.  I had come to terms that I would never tell my family, not ever.  If my family had a hard time accepting my being gay when I came out, it was 100x worse for me.  I went through years of depression, bitterness, anger, confusion, denial, and finally acceptance before I was ready. 

I'm not sure what made me come out after all the years.  I had always heard that when you come out you "just know" that its time.  I guess thats true.  I hadn't quite decided how I was going to do it, but I knew at some point I was going to.  I decided it would be after my nursing graduation in august.  Thats not how it happened though.  I came out in May 2011, through a text message to my mom.  She was angry with me.  I had told my parents a month earlier that my best friend was gay.  They didn't take it well, told me not to be associated with that lifestyle and quoted Bible verses.  We fought all night and for the next 3 weeks we didn't speak.  Then it started.  Mom texted me and it turned into a fight.  I told her she didn't even know who I was.  I tried to tell her.  She asked if I was now a drinking party girl living in homosexuality.  I knew I was ready, and angry enough to say it..."You know what mom yes, I am gay.  This isn't how I pictured me telling u guys but since u won't let it die then there it is. I don't want to talk about it bc I know how u feel and I think u need to take awhile before responding to me"..."R U for real?"..."Yes.  I have been for a long time and I'm tired of lying about it."...

The next few months were ugly.  A lot of things were said by all sides.  I called my family and came out to everyone that day.  Initially its exhilarating, no more lies, free to be me.  Then reality sets it.  The next months are extremely hard to get through.  My parents want answers and I try, but I feel the weight of disappointment and if I don't feel it enough, I'm reminded of it through their words, their eyes, their tears.  I know I have hurt them deeply because they think I have turned my back on my spirituality and am living in sin.  But for once I am finally honest with myself and God, and now my parents.  I'm sent books and verses and offered help, but no one realizes that I don't want help, I don't need help, nothing is wrong with me. 

This isn't every childs dream coming out experience, but I expected worse.  I thought I would truly be disowned.  Sometimes I think that would have been easier.  So, a year later I can talk with my parents, but its nothing about my personal life.  I still feel the need to lie to them.  They will never understand me, never accept me as I am.  I know I am loved, but I wonder if I will always be a disappointment.  If I will always be talked about in whispers with their friends, not mentioned too loudly in public.  They will never know my girlfriends, never come to my wedding, never approve. 

A year later and I'm still coming to terms with all this.  Was it all worth it?  Yes, and I would do it again.  It was hard, it is hard, but it does get easier.  No one is helped by my silence, things will never change if I do not voice my feelings, if I do not live my life openly and honestly.  I know I may never have my familys approval, but for the first time, I approve of myself.

A Note from Al to His Daughter

As I write this note, you are spending the night with your mom.  Tomorrow evening I will read it to you, even though you won't hear me.  You are special needs.  You lost your hearing while you were an infant.  And then you started losing your sight.  Yet, you show a determination and effort that few can match even with your diminutive size.  Despite your daily tribulations, you go about your day with royal aplomb, befitting your nickname, "The Princess".

Your sister and you loved each other dearly.  Her loss was devastating to us all.  I had no idea how to communicate this to you. Then one day you walked to her picture, stroked it gently, and looked to me for an answer.  Through my tears I could only shake my head no, and hug you.

As time progressed, we carried on our activities.  On a trip to the mountains for a picnic and swim, you gave up the copilot seat for "C" who had come along for the day.  After our picnic, you took him by the hand and led him on a walk around the pond.  He turned back to look at me, and I told him, "Just follow along, she'll lead you".  And you did.  I'm almost sure that if you could speak, I would have had cause to be embarrassed.

Once safely home, ensconced safely in our spots on the couch, and C sitting across the room, you got up, went to him, and lead him back to sit beside me and put our hands together. Then you went and sat across the room by yourself while we sat with our mouths open.

You've never heard the word "hate."  The time I spend with you gives a glimpse into what a world without hate would look like.  You show not only how important love is, but how unimportant it is who we love.

You are a princess. You are special. I love you dearly.

Dad

A Note to Nicholas from Mom

My Dearest Nicholas,

When you first came out your freshman year in high school Dad and I were beside ourselves. We felt alone and worried, didn't know anyone who had a gay child. You assured us this was not a "phase" and it does not change you. You gave us pamphlets so we could educate ourselves and patiently helped us understand who you were. That was years ago and I see a whole world out there of diversity. We are not alone and I could not be prouder of the fine young man you have become. Kind, considerate, handsome, ethical, educated and well spoken. I never dreamed we could have such a wonderful person to call our son.

Thank YOU for the love and patience you have always given us. 

We are better people for having you in our lives. 

With endless love,

Mom

A Note to Mom and Dad from Adam (Essex, United Kingdom)

Hi guys,

I remember the day like it was yesterday. We were in the living room watching Angel on TV, you let me get away with it even then. I never thought you were gonna say anything because you were ashamed of me or whatever.

Then all of a sudden, my older brother and my sisters all said they were going to the garage.

"Weird," I thought," its like 9 o'clock at night, and its not a 24 hour."

Then Dad made us all a coffee, I knew for sure I was in trouble.

..."We know" eventually you said mum.

I didn't know what to do, pretend like I had no clue what you were on about, run, hide. I was terrified. Then dad confirmed it.

"We found the page in your diary you tried to flush."

I laughed and my own stupidity, "crepe paper doesn't flush moron," I thought to myself

Then you said all I ever wanted to hear:

"We still love you, you're our son."

Since then the entire family have known and no one reacted badly or even all that surprised.

Thank you guys for helping me find the courage to admit it... Gotta be honest, its made my life easier.

Love you millions always

Adzy

A Note to Benjamin from His Friend, Deesha (Cincinnati, Ohio)

Benjamin,
 
381. Three Words. Eight Letters. One Meaning.
 
On your first day of band camp at the University of Cincinnati in 1996 you stood shy against the wall. You were pale with this long black goth style hair. Someone told me you were there to join the colorguard however when we all were heading out for practice you kind of just stood there until I asked you if you were going to stand there or come practice. We were obviously off to a great start.
 
As the year went on, we grew very close. I always thought that maybe you were gay, but not only was it none of my business, but I really didn't want to label you. And then, we went to the elegant Red Lobster (where we TORE UP those cheddar biscuits) and you commented on how hot the waiter was. I brushed it off because it wasn't important to me that you were gay. Not at all.
 
The college years...scraping up money for 5 piece nuggets at Wendys, riding down the street singing the words to "My boo", being late to a competition because we went to go see RENT, getting pulled over for speeding (with Santrina) while we were making our own remix of a Lauryn Hill song, and laying down next to each other after a long practice with only Fiona Apple and Tori Amos on. And those were the good times.
 
Then there were the not so good which we don't need to reveal because we made it through - TOGETHER. Our friendship has stood the test of time, states apart. It has stood many relationships and trends.
 
Writing this letter, I think of how much we have been through together in 15 years. I have watched you grow so much to become secure in yourself. There was a time where I was really worried about you. I was worried that you would continue to put other people before yourself. I was worried that you would sacrifice for other people's dreams and wants. I want you to understand that your goals are just as important as everyone else's. You had to grow up rather quickly because the world wasn't ready for your fabulousness and it still isn't ready.
 
You will always be my best friend and my dance partner. There is nothing I will not do for you, including frustrate you. It is because we are and will always be soulmates. 381.
 
Love,

Deesha

A Note from Allen to His Dad (San Diego, California)

Hey, Pop —

You’ve been gone for 21 years now, a period that is considered a full childhood. Your presence is still with me, though, after all this time. That fact is the measure and sum of a good parent.

That last night of your life, we were talking about Mother’s medical situation, and came to some tough conclusions. Afterward, something moved me to express an unconditional apology to you for any negative results that my choices in life, or the fact of my being gay (we both understood that there was no choice in that part) had caused you.

You stopped that conversation cold by retelling me of a story I had completely forgotten:

As a tiny baby, shortly after my adoption, I’d been fussing and crying in the night. It was you who rose to attend to me. I immediately fell quiet in your arms, reached up to grasp your finger, cooed and smiled at you. It was in that instant, you told me, that no matter what ever happened, I was your son, and you would always love me.

In the years since the Saturday morning you went out to shovel the overnight snowfall, the act that took you from us, I’ve had to face many challenges. Knowing that you were my father, and loved me with that enduring strength and generosity, has helped me to keep moving forward, and to claim the many successes I’ve been offered.

I still miss you, Pop—and know that you’re still with me every day.

Love,
Allen

A Note to Patrick from His Friend, Leigh (Seattle, Washington)

Patrick,

I can't believe I am admitting this, but after all the months of A Note to My Kid posts - somehow I missed the fact that you were the co-founder of this site.

I have reposted and supported this site because I believe it in it, but I didn't realize you had a hand in it. Good for you. I have found the posts so inspiring. This site is what the world needs right now.

Recently, Washington State made a big step in the passing of the gay marriage movement. And I am proud.

If I were to look back on the experiences that made me so supportive of the rights of everyone - no matter who they love - I can clearly identify the most early experiences (pre-1998)...

1.) Mr. McCune the admired fourth grade teacher at my school (I was in third grade) who suddenly became ill with a "new unknown disease" -- AIDS as it turned out. The school was horrified to lose such an amazing teacher. He decided to leave while he was still healthy with his partner and go fulfill his dreams, which included traveling to Africa, etc. Everything was disclosed, his partner, his disease. His farewell was full of love and support; there was so much love at his goodbye celebration. Two years later, he returned and tried to substitute at another school. By this time, vicious rumors and fear had spread about the disease. There was a huge backlash and parents were withdrawing their children from his class. Such a shame because Mr. McCune was an amazing teacher. It was such a shift from our tearful goodbye. I knew it was wrong...even at 13.

2.) "Ellen"...I remember loving this sitcom, and when she came out on her show I remember being horrified when advertisers began backing out - especially Volvo. I drove a Volvo at the time (my 16th birthday present) - and I remember feeling shame that this company pulled their support for the show -- boo! I felt so much pride for her - for being brave enough to step forward. I was a teenager, but it didn't matter. She gave my generation fuel for the fire yet to come.

3.) My dear friend Patrick came out to me in college. Quite the ladies man - I should have been surprised. But I wasn't because when he told me there are an honestly about his statement that left me proud. There is nothing more appealing than someone you love expressing who they are and that they found the trust in you to express it.

My point is...no matter how my banker mind leans toward conservative fiscal matters, I will always support gay rights no matter what. I believe in love, with boy or girl - it doesn't matter.

I have known you for so long now. I have seen you with boyfriends that didn't deserve you and I have seen you with boyfriends that were simply amazing. And now I see you with your match (even though I haven't met Mike - I can tell - he is your one and only). The point is - that is how love is, no matter who you love - it takes some time to find the person for you...

So a note to my friend, thank you for being brave enough to come out to me at 21. You just reinforced everything I already knew, we all deserve the right to find love. And if you can find it in this crazy world, then anything is possible.

You and I have been through our ups and down; but I love you like a brother and you are forever my friend. Thank you for having a forever impact on my life.

XOXO,

Leigh

A Note to Chad from His Sister, Kim (Long Island, New York)

Dear Chad,
 
It sounds strange, but the day that you finally told me that you were gay, happens to be one of the happiest days of my life. 

I had been worried about you for years.  You were always so angry and would never talk about what was troubling you.  I had no clue as to what the problem was, and I was so fearful of you doing something that could never be undone.  So when you told me that you were gay and in a relationship, I was so relieved and happy for you.  You’re my brother and I love you unconditionally!  As long as you’re happy then that is all that matters. 

The only thing that makes me sad is knowing that you had to struggle with this for years.  That you felt you had to keep yourself “closeted” for fear of the family rejecting you.  It upsets me to know that you were in pain and felt that you had no where to turn.  Thankfully you had wonderful friends who urged you to confide in your family.

I know the road you have traveled and still travel has been a rough one.  Now that you know that you have your family’s unconditional love and support, hopefully it will be a little easier.

I’m so happy that you and James found each other.  I already consider him as another brother.  You’re a wonderful man; with a loving and caring heart, who deserves all the happiness the world has to offer.  You and James complete each other.

Be happy.  I love you to the moon and back.

P.S.…let’s get cracking with those wedding plans.
 
Love,

Kim